CONFRONTING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HEAD ON: LEARN THE WARNING SIGNS--AND WHERE TO GET HELP. POTRERO'S JAN HEDLUN, PANELIST AT FEB. 27 CONFERENCE IN SAN DIEGO, SHARES HER STORY

Author Jan Hedlun

Potrero resident Jan Hedlun shares her personal and deeply moving experiences
as a former victim of domestic abuse in hopes of helping others. Hedlun
will appear as a panelist at a Feb. 27 conference at Thomas Jefferson School
of Law titled "Confronting Domestic Violence Head-On." (Click
here for conferences details). Domestic violence is the most common cause
of serious injury to women in the U.S. According to the American Psychiatric
Association, one in five women has been raped by an intimate partner. Even
more have suffered emotional abuse. Men can also be domestic abuse
victims, though such cases are less common. Below is Hedlun's story,
along with a list of warning signs for abuse--and where to get help.

By
Jan Hedlun

February 21, 2009 (Potrero) — Last week, on February
13, 2009, I was listening to the Jeff and Jer Showgram on STAR 94.1. They spent
an hour talking about the ten warning signs of an occurring or potential
abusive relationship with Karla, an advocate for domestic violence and
sexual assault victims and survivors. It brought back painful memories
and the realization that it was time to step out of my comfort zone and
talk about my own violent, abusive relationship. I am sending the
list and my story to you in hopes you'll place it in your online magazine
as I think that others need to see it. Maybe, if I had read a list
like this, I would have walked away or sought help instead of becoming
a casualty.

Being an abuse victim is not something that is comfortable to admit
to anyone, even after years of healing, but I am a survivor of an abusive
relationship.

An abusive relationship like mine was years in the making. Although
I had had other relationships, this was the first time I had truly been
"in love." If I hadn't been in love, I may have noticed the red
flags of his actions. He would describe his previous relationship
and I'd sympathize with him rather than with her, not realizing he was
verbalizing the abuse to come. I should have paid attention to
his words and those of my friends and walked--no, run like the wind
away from him. I, like many others in similar situations, ignored
what was in front of me and was blind to what was ahead.

It began simply enough with my own low self-esteem. If I'd had
a strong sense of self-worth and confidence I would have never chosen
that type of man. I was too young and inexperienced to
see beyond the mask he wore. The process, as in the list, began
with isolation. Slowly I found myself without my network of friends. Because
I didn't listen to their warnings, preferring to believe my heart, it
caused our separation, and new friends became difficult to make as eventually
he and I were together 24/7.

Insidiously, the emotional and verbal abuse began to enter into the
relationship. Gradually he eradicated most of my possessions,
my identity, moving me further away from the lifestyle I was used to
until I walked a path that included drugs and homelessness. It
didn't take long before I was too embarrassed to tell my family my problems
since I knew how strongly they disapproved of my choices and would have
been horrified at how I was living. Basically I dropped off the
face of their earth. Because of societal conditioning, I foolishly
believed that I should stay by his side no matter what, especially after
we were married. You know--"for better or for worse, in sickness
and in health, 'til death do us part." That last part became a
literal translation with his death by a drunk driver. It could
have been mine during one of his many rages.

Although I am an intelligent woman, by the time I was ensnared in the
abuse, I felt I was worthless and useless and didnâ't deserve any more
than I received. No matter how hard I tried, my efforts weren't
good enough; I wasn't good enough. If I wasn't good enough in my
own eyes how would I ever be good enough without this person? Strange
reasoning, but when you are in an abusive relationship all mental and
emotional bets are off. Thoughts become twisted and convoluted
by the one you believe you love, and wish loved you as they did in the
honeymoon phase of the relationship.

It took five years before the first blow was struck, but the groundwork
had been securely laid out along the way and I found myself unable to
think or know what to do. I ran to a member of my family but he
followed, effectively destroying what little relationship I had left
with them. It also instilled the fear of returning, completely
removing the ability to look in that direction for help, strengthening
the wedge between my family and I.

His apology for that first blow was profuse and heartfelt and I truly
believed it would not happen again. But there was a next time and
that apology was heartfelt as well. There were more "next times"
and more apologies until his "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" held
no meaning and finally tapered away, leaving only confusion, bruising
and fear. The violence was a gradual escalation until there came
a time when I couldn't appear in public as the bruising was so severe
and the fear of retribution too great.

Several times he would throw me out of the relationship. As he
was my sole source of income this left me financially crippled. No
money, no car, no family, no friends--a perceived burden to anyone who
helped me. Once he deserted me on a remote highway and I walked
to the nearest residence and they gave me sanctuary, but he found me
and played nice; slowly prying me away with promises of change that I
so wanted to believe. He would graciously take me back each time
he threw me out or I tried to run, yet each incident brought an increasing
severity in the verbal or physical abuse and eventually I felt
there was no other alternative than to remain.

This emotional push-me pull-you aspect I call, "I love you, go away--I hate you, don't leave me."

I lived on the adrenaline of fight-or-flight for years as I never knew
what would set him off. It didn't matter if I tried hard, or not
at all. It didn't matter if I said anything or nothing, he would
become enraged. He was able to twist conversations or discussions
into arguments until I didn't know what to believe except that it was
my fault, even though a deeply buried part of me knew otherwise. When
I slowly began to stand up for myself, the abuse became worse because
our pattern had been set and how dare I try to change it or myself!

Although many in the community we lived in knew there was trouble, no
one offered assistance. No one helped, further reinforcing the
sense of unworthiness and isolation; the hopelessness. Many saw
the verbal abuse occur and ignored the signs of physical abuse, preferring
to turn a blind eye to the problem and not become involved.

I know in my heart that if he hadn't died it would be my family grieving
my loss. I was ready to leave but the question is, would he have
let me? And the abuse didn't end when he was killed by that drunk
driver, because the conditioning was established and I punished myself,
suffering from survivor's guilt and blaming myself for the relationship
and his death until I asked for help.

The list I am sharing with you is a road map to what happened in my
relationship. In the 10 years since his death I have my family
back in my life and I am no longer ashamed that this occurred. I
hope that my words, my story will help others walk away or get help. I
still have love for him and have forgiven him, and myself, for what happened. How
could I not, when we were two people attracted to each other by our dysfunctions
and I've accepted my responsibility for what went on between us.

I still have no explanation when I'm asked, "Why did you stay?" and
the other hard questions I've pondered over the years since his death. You
would have to walk in my shoes, and those of others, and even then you
might not understand. I don't, but all I can do is move forward
and heal.

One of the things I used to say when he would rage at me, and what I
will say to those of you still in an abusive relationship is that "it
doesn't have to be this way."

HOW TO SPOT WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE: AND WHERE TO GET HELP

The Jeff and Jer 94.1 Showgram lists the following numbers for
domestic abuse victims to seek help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Becky's
House: (619) 239-0355

Violence does not tend to suddenly occur in a relationship. Usually
there are signs that are more subtle that occur before physical and/or
sexual violence are experienced. Because these signs are so subtle
it may be difficult to recognize that you are in the midst of an abusive
relationship. This is a list of some of the ways power and control
may be displayed in an abusive relationship before or after physical
and/or sexual violence occurs.

1. ISOLATION: Your
partner should not control your life, for example, who you see and talk
to, what activities you take part in, where you go, limiting your relationships
and interactions outside of your own relationship. Your partner may try
to justify these actions using jealousy as an excuse.

2. EMOTIONAL
ABUSE: This can be the
most difficult form of abuse to recognize. It is not okay for your
partner to put you down, make you feel bad about yourself, or call you
names. This could include playing mind games with you and making you
feel like you're going crazy. You should not feel humiliated in
a relationship or made to feel guilty for your partner's actions.

3.
MINIMIZING, DENYING,AND BLAMING: If
you are experiencing your partner treating you in ways that make you
feel hurt, humiliated or disrespected and your partner tries to rationalize
that behavior all of the time that is a warning sign. Your partner
should never make light of the abuse, not take your concerns about it
seriously, or simply deny that any of it has happened. And NEVER is it
your fault. No one deserves to be abused or any reason.

4.
COERCION AND THREATS: Even if your partner
has never acted on threats, it is not okay to make and/or carry out threats
to do something to hurt you. Threatening to harm your pets, commit suicide,
coercing you to drop criminal charges if there has been police involvement,
or forcing you to do illegal things are common examples in abusive relationships.

5.
ECONOMIC ABUSE: Abusive partners may involve
your place of employment in maintaining control over you. It is
not okay for your partner to prevent you from getting or keeping a job
by harassing you at work, making several phone calls or multiple visits
while you are working. Being in a relationship does not mean that your
partner can take or demand money from you. If you do share bank
accounts you should have access to those accounts.

6. INTIMIDATION: You
should feel safe in a relationship, not threatened or scared. Your partner
should never make you afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures, smashing
things, destroying your property, abusing pets, or displaying weapons
to instill fear upon you.

7. SEXUAL ABUSE: You have every right
to say no to your partner to any sexual activity. Being in
an intimate relationship does not mean that your partner has the right
to do what he/she wants, when he/she wants. Consenting to a sexual
act at one time does not mean you are consenting every time. To
consent is to freely and actively agree. It is given equally by
both partners, to engage in a specific sexual activity. Giving in is
not the same as giving consent! Consent is not present when either partner
fears the consequences of not consenting (including use of force) or
feels threatened or intimidated.

8. USING CHILDREN: Using
your children by threatening to take them from you, harm them, or to
manipulate you in any way is a warning sign. If you share children with
a former partner, he/she should not use visitation time to harass you.

9. PEER
PRESSURE: It is not okay if
your partner threatens to expose your weaknesses or spread rumors or
lies about you to family, friends, co-workers, or other social groups.
This is another mechanism of trying to control aspects of your life.

10.
MOOD SWINGS: Do you notice that your
partner has dramatic mood swings from aggressive and abusive to apologetic
and loving? Saying sorry and promising to "never do it again" is
not enough. Chances are it will happen again, whether that is an
outburst of emotional, physical, or sexual violence.

Karla has been an advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims/survivors
for the last 8 years. She joined this movement because it has touched
her life personally and she has a passion for ending violence against
women. Karla continues to work in this field to provide a voice for
victims/survivors. She has worked directly with domestic violence
and sexual assault victims/survivors and has worked to improve a
statewide and national response to those affected by these issues.