Printer-friendly versionPrinter-friendly version Share this


By Star Wares

April 1, 2017 (El Cajon )—Congressional members Duncan Hunter and Susan Davis held a press conference today in El Cajon to unveil a new “replicator” technology to be headquartered near Gillespie Field.

“The era of high taxes is over,”  Rep. Hunter announced.  “What government needs, it can replicate. Now that  government only needs to fund payroll for vital services such as the military,  I will be introducing a bill to slash taxes by 50%.”

Rep. Davis explained, “Light years ahead of 3-D printer technology, the Vespuccia Replicator is capable of scanning, processing and instantaneously replicating objects ranging from bridge supports to tanks.”

Mayor Bill Wells stated, “The replicator technology will give El Cajon a competitive edge in attracting new businesses such as more car dealers, since companies based in El Cajon will be able to use the replicator facility to freely duplicate items such as auto parts.  Our replicator plant will also generate jobs for local residents.”

President Trump’s spokesman Sean Spicer, via a video teleconference, said of the tax whacking plan, “We expect to have Republicans and Democrats on board by tying it to use of replication technology for everything from medical devices in VA hospitals to computers in public schools.”

According to a public records search obtained by East County Magazine,  Hunter and Davis were first contacted by inventors of the replicator technology several months ago and given an exclusive demonstration  late one night  at a secret location in the Nevada desert. 

They were astounded to learn that the replicator can even replicate water—creating a potentially endless supply for drought relief and firefighting.

The inventors agreed to gift the amazing invention to the U.S. in exchange for naming rights on the next international space station, opening of trade relations with their foreign government, and an end to the deportation of non-criminal aliens.

Rep. Hunter balked at the proposal at first, after learning that the inventors are undocumented aliens. But after discovering that these aliens are from the planet Vespuccia in a galaxy far, far away, he changed his mind.

“Accepting aliens in our midst is a price worth paying for the replicator, which will save billions of dollars replicating panels to build a border wall,” Hunter concluded.  “President Trump will issue an executive order later today to confirm his first intergalactic trade deal with the Vespuccians.”

Mayor Wells, in a reversal of his earlier stance against sanctuary cities and states, proclaimed, “The Vespuccians are hereby granted sanctuary in El Cajon.”

Happy April Fool’s Day!

View more April Fool’s Day 2017 stories here.

Error message

Support community news in the public interest! As nonprofit news, we rely on donations from the public to fund our reporting -- not special interests. Please donate to sustain East County Magazine's local reporting and/or wildfire alerts at to help us keep people safe and informed across our region.