By Seymour Lemmons
April 1, 2020 (Lemon Grove) – After a ballot measure to raise sales tax failed, Lemon Grove community members today announced plans for new revenue streams centered around the city’s core staple: lemons.
“With shortages of hand sanitizers amid COVID-19 concerns, the first product we’re rolling out is a lemon-scented hand sanitizer manufactured by the City of Lemon Grove,” said Mayor Racquel Vasquez, who added that she drew inspiration from New York State, which recently started producing its own brand of hand sanitizers.
Unlike New York, which is relying on prison labor, Lemon Grove is teaming up with a spirited local distillery and hiring local residents, creating “good jobs with livable wages” to also put more disposable income into workers’ pockets, the Mayor added, spritizing sanitizer spray into her palms and rubbing them vigorously as the aroma of lemon wafted over the press corps assembled for the announcement.
Former Councilman George Gastil, organizer of the tax measure meant to restore fiscal soundness to Lemon Grove, will be co-chairing the city’s new Lemon Goods Commission, along with Teresa Rosiak, former Lemon Grove Chamber of Commerce leader.
“Julian found its real gold in selling apple pies. Why not lemon pies to sweeten Lemon Grove’s financial future?” asked Rosiak as she passed out samples of lemon meringue pies at a press conference, with the city’s lemon-embellished logo emblazoned on every pie tin.
Lemon-scented hand soaps, bath products, cough lozenges, cleaning products, tissues and fragrant lemony coronavirus masks will also be sold online and through local retail shops, with free delivery provided by Hazmat-suited drivers to anyone quarantined due to COVID-19.
Vacant lots are being converted to lemon orchards. To further boost supply, all residents are being encouraged to grow lemons, including potted lemon trees on patios, porches, and balconies. The fruits of their labors will be harvested and purchased by the city for its newly launched “Lemon Aid” product line.
Local Girl Scouts are also pitching in, donating one dollar off every box of “Lemon Up” cookies sold to benefit Lemon Grove. The dutiful scouts have promised to start by setting up cookie sales tables and take-out lemonade stands outside the office of the neighboring La Mesa Chamber of Commerce office. The Chamber’s president, Mary England, led efforts to defeat a ballot measure which would have raised sales taxes in LeMon Grove.
“Since loss of our ballot measure left us with lemons, we’re investing in `Lemon-Aid’ to prove that Lemon Grove can meet the challenge, plant seeds of change and thrive as an independent city,” concluded Scout Leader Joy Cumming.
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Fan mail on this April Fool's story:
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Stay well and healthy,