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RURAL RESIDENTS' “ULTIMATE RED TAPE REDUCTION” INITIATIVE QUALIFIES FOR COUNTYWIDE BALLOT

By O. Howe Sweet

April 1, 2012 (San Diego’s East County)—Last month, we reported on a proposal to eliminate all community planning groups, a plan put forth by a “Red Tape Reduction Task Force” of developers appointed by County Supervisors. 

Today, citizen activists and backcountry volunteer community planners announced that they have secured signatures to place their own measure for cutting red tape on the ballot.

NEWSFLASH: MAJOR BREAKING STORIES!

 

 April 1, 2011—East County Magazine has the exclusive scoop on astounding major stories breaking today.

 

Is truth stranger than fiction? You decide. Click this link to our extra-special edition Friday, April 1st . Trust us, you won't want to miss this news. 

 What are your thoughts on these stories? Post your comments!

Bonus points if you can answer these questions:

LIBYAN LEADER CAPTURED AT SAN DIEGO BORDER

 

By Justin Time

 

April 1, 2011 (Campo) – Shortly before dawn this morning, U.S. Border Patrol agents made a startling discovery along the border south of Campo in San Diego’s East County.

HOG WILD: COUNTY HOLDS 1ST ANNUAL WILD PIG ROUNDUP & RODEO

 

By Buck N. Hamm
 

April 1, 2011 (Lakeside) – San Diego County officials today hosted a special event aimed at culling herds of wild pigs that are rampaging through the backcountry, destroying native habitat.

 

“Modeled after the Bureau of Land Management’s popular program for reducing surplus wild mustangs on public lands, our County has teamed up with Cleveland National Forest and local Harley Davidson clubs to sponsor the first annual Hog Wild pig roundup and run,” Supervisor Dianne Jacob announced, cutting a ribbon as a herd of stampeding pigs raced through the streets of Lakeside.

CAL-TRANS, SANDAG REVEAL PLAN FOR DOUBLE-DECKER FREEWAY TO JULIAN

 

By Joy Ryder

 

April 1, 2011 (Julian) – Highway 67 is notorious for the many head-on collisions and fatality crashes which have occurred on the winding stretch from Lakeside to Julian. Today, Cal-Trans and the San Diego Association of Governments (SANDAG) announced a solution.

 

In a joint press conference outside Julian Apple Pie Company, a major project sponsor, officials from both agencies revealed plans to replace old 67 with a new double-decker freeway from Santee to Julian.
 

DUAL-MAYOR TICKET TO BE ANNOUNCED IN SAN DIEGO

By Mary Paulet

 

April 1, 2011 (San Diego) East County Magazine has learned that the Democratic Party will announce a surprising endorsement next Monday in the 2012 San Diego Mayoral Race.

 

A prominent Democratic source and Wikileaks have leaked documents to ECM indicating that Democrats will endorse not one, but two candidates running as a team: Congressman Bob Filner and State Senator Christine Kehoe, in a first-ever co-mayoral candidacy.

CUYAMACA COLLEGE TO OPEN SATELLITE CAMPUS--IN ASIA

 

By R. U. Smart

 April 1, 2011 (Rancho San Diego) – Faced with a growing budget gap, the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District today announced a major new means of boosting tuitions and revenues.

 

“Cuyamaca College will open our district’s first satellite campus this summer in Thailand,” announced Henri Migala, executive dean of institutional advancement. “Cuyamaca has gained an international reputation for our instruction in green jobs and sustainable technology, which we will now be outsourcing to Asia.”

MEMBERS "PICK" NEW BENEFITS AT RANCHO SAN DIEGO-JAMUL CHAMBER:

  

“CHAMBER MAIDS" TOUR ANNOUNCED

 

April 1, 2011 (Rancho San Diego) – A free banjo lesson taken during a Chamber-led tour of Deering Banjo factory in Spring Valley proved music to Valerie Harrison’s ears. “I never knew I had musical talent before,” said the plucky President of the Rancho San Diego-Jamul Chamber of Commerce. 

BATTLING RATTLERS

 

By Rob Deason, Deerhorn Valley Antler Editor

 

April 1, 2011 (Deerhorn Valley) -- I saw them first out the kitchen window. The two big rattlesnakes were poised about a foot apart, heads high, their tails sizzling like frying bacon. They were squaring off, two big males I guessed 'cause they sure looked mean and fierce.

EL CAJON DECLARED SAFE HAVEN: CHOSEN SANCTUARY CITY BY HIGH POWERS

 

By Wanda B. Sekure
 

April 1, 2011 (El Cajon) -- The National Association of Insurance Commissioners has declared El Cajon the safest city in America.

 

“Our underwriters found that El Cajon is ideally situated to minimize risks of a catastrophe,” said Commissioner Macon Wills. “Not only is El Cajon midway between the Rose Canyon and Elsinore earthquake fault lines, it also sits far enough north to avoid border violence, inland a good half-hour from the coast, and a full 53 miles away from the San Onofre nuclear power plant,” he noted, adding that the U.S. has recommended a 50-mile evacuation zone around Japan’s troubled reactors. “ If a nuke meltdown, tsunami or killer quake occurs,” Wills declared, “El Cajon is going to look like heaven.”

VIDEO ADVENTURES IN EAST COUNTY: DISCOVERING THE LOST CITY OF EL CAPITAN

 

By Billy Ortiz
 

April 1, 2011 (Lakeside) – Back on December 27, ECM reported on my fall during a rockslide on El Capitan Mountain in Lakeside, when a 500-pound boulder dislodged and rolled over my leg. Thankfully I’ve recovered.

 

What hasn’t been reported until now, however, is the amazing discovery that resulted. I recently returned and found a hidden tunnel revealed behind that boulder, leading deep within the mountain. Inside, I discovered a vast underground lake. Even more astoundingly, after exploring it via kayak, I found the ruins of an entire lost civilization!

RUNNING IN GRANDFATHER’S SHADOW

 

Jamul Soccer Player Destined for Greatness

 

Story and photo by Ron Logan

 

April 1, 2011 (Jamul) – If you were a die-hard indoor soccer fan in the early 1990s you may remember the name Herb Duryea. His story was quite an amazing one and it created quite a buzz back in the day. 

 

 Now, his legend lives on--at an ostrich farm in Jamul.

WILL POWER REPORT: OBAMA ORDERS MASSIVE FINANCIAL RESTRUCTURING

 

Nothing but the truth!

 

By Will Power

 

April 1, 2011 (Washington D.C.) -- In an unprecedented turnabout, President Barack Obama announced he is confiscating the excess profits of banks and brokers who profited from the recent Wall Street Crash. All the bonuses paid out will be seized and used to pay down the national debt.

 

Even more important, President Obama ordered oil companies and pharmaceutical companies to lower their prices by 25% , or face nationalization. The third important change was a halt to all home foreclosures, Homes which are in danger of foreclosure are ordered into arbitration and refinancing.

NEWFLASH! MAJOR BREAKING STORIES—SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR ALL READERS

 

April 1, 2010—East County Magazine had the exclusive scoop on some astounding major stories breaking today.

 

Is truth stranger than fiction? You decide. Be sure to click this hot link to view these stories and oodles more in our extra-special April 1st edition. (Trust us, you won't want to miss this!)

SANTEE DANGLES BAIT, LURES CHARGERS TO EAST COUNTY

 

By E.Z. Pickens
 

April 1, 2010 (Santee) – The San Diego Chargers have received an offer from the City of Santee to construct a new Chargers stadium in the East County community.
 

“This will be a win-win for the Chargers and East County,” said Santee Mayor Randy Voepel, wearing a sporty bolts blazer. With the upcoming completion of Highway 52, Santee will be easily accessible from all parts of San Diego. Having an NFL team in Santee will not only be good for Charger fans, but will also boost revenues for our city.”

BLACK WATER RETURNS TO POTRERO

 

By Dinah Saur

April 1, 2010 (Potrero) – Two years after Blackwater USA withdrew its proposal to build a private military base in Round Potrero Valley, the property owner welcomes a new version of black water on the site.

SDSU TO ELIMINATE CALIFORNIA STUDENTS

By Skip Tover Grad

April 1, 2010 (San Diego) – After realizing significant savings by eliminating local student admission guarantees, San Diego State University (SDSU) President Stephen Weber has announced a bold new initiative to save taxpayers even more money.
 

“We have decided to eliminate California students altogether,” Weber said. “With the budget crisis, we regret that we just can’t afford to provide an education for kids in our own community or home state."

PADRES SIGN CHULA VISTA SLUGGING AND PITCHING STAR

 

By Ima Fann

April 1, 2010 (San Diego) – The San Diego Padres today announced that they have signed Luke Ramirez, 13, ace pitcher and batting champion from the Park View Little League World Series winning team in Chula Vista.
 

The move is expected to boost attendance for the Padres, given the enormous popularity of the Chula Vista world champs, while also adding some muscle to the lineup and the pitcher’s mound.

EL CAJON ANNOUNCES SOLUTION TO BUDGET CRISIS

By Art Rich and Jack Pott

April 1, 2010 (El Cajon) -- Faced with a growing budget gap and boarded up storefronts downtown as a result of the recession, the City of El Cajon announced today that it has sold naming rights to City Hall, Main Street, and the East County Performing Arts Center.
 

“We saw a market opportunity to let these generous corporate partners buy influence AND boost their public images—all perfectly legally,” said Mayor Mark Lewis.

SEVEN WONDERS IN EAST COUNTY: BOLD PLAN ASPIRES TO BRING TOURISM TO OUR REGION

 

 

April 1, 2010 (San Diego’s East County) – The Chaldean community, in partnership with Cuyamaca College, San Diego State University, and Supervisor Dianne Jacob, have announced plans to create an economically sustainable tourism program for East County.

LA MESA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE DOUBLES PRODUCTIVITY, OFFERS UNIQUE TWO-FOR-ONE OFFER

 

By Biz. E. Bee

 

April 1, 2010 (La Mesa) -- In these days with everyone looking for bargains, cutting out discount offers from local newspapers, and printing out on-line coupons, the La Mesa Chamber refuses to be outdone. The organization is offering a unique two-for-one offer unheard of in the hemisphere - two of its CEO, Mary England to do the job of the past “one” Mary England. That's right - two of Mary England instead of one.

 

The Chamber is in negotiations right now to clone England at a laboratory in Northern California. The location of this cloning procedure cannot be revealed as not to draw attention to this process that is not embraced by everyone.

ART MADRID NAMED LA MESA'S MAYOR IN PERPETUITY

 

Politics and religion mix in faith-based power pact

 

By Francine Phillips

 

April 1, 2010 (La Mesa) -- La Mesa’s long-time Mayor Art Madrid has signed a pact with the powers that be to remain the Mayor of La Mesa for eternity. Rumors that his political career is dead are unfounded. Madrid will still be mayor even after his earthly demise, St. Peter confirmed in an exclusive interview with East County Magazine.

BAD MONEY: HOW TO BE SMART WITH YOUR MONEY, "PARTY HEARTY" & SURVIVE AN ECONOMIC COLLAPSE

A column written for the East County Magazine
 

“Your guide to financial planning & socially responsible investing”
 

 By Judith L. Seid, CFP ®
President, Blue Summit Financial Group
  

April 1st, 2010 (San Diego) --The rules of finance have changed since the economic collapse that began in October 2008. The global financial crisis, due largely to unregulated corporations engaging in greed-driven behavior, has caused us to re-think what is currently considered good financial advice.
 
So on this April 1st, 2010, I hereby concur that we have a new set of “foolish” financial rules to live by. Here is my top ten list:

 

NEW FESTIVAL CENTER FOR EAST COUNTY: “JAMULEY FEST” TO KICK OFF CELEBRATIONS

By Will U. Party

April 1, 2010 (Rancho San Diego) – Building on the success of recent events sponsored by the Rancho San Diego-Jamul Chamber last year, Valerie Harrison, the region’s de facto mayor extraordinaire, has declared her intent to host the most community events of any jurisdiction in San Diego County.

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