April Fools Day

EL CAJON DECLARED SAFE HAVEN: CHOSEN SANCTUARY CITY BY HIGH POWERS

 

By Wanda B. Sekure
 

April 1, 2011 (El Cajon) -- The National Association of Insurance Commissioners has declared El Cajon the safest city in America.

 

“Our underwriters found that El Cajon is ideally situated to minimize risks of a catastrophe,” said Commissioner Macon Wills. “Not only is El Cajon midway between the Rose Canyon and Elsinore earthquake fault lines, it also sits far enough north to avoid border violence, inland a good half-hour from the coast, and a full 53 miles away from the San Onofre nuclear power plant,” he noted, adding that the U.S. has recommended a 50-mile evacuation zone around Japan’s troubled reactors. “ If a nuke meltdown, tsunami or killer quake occurs,” Wills declared, “El Cajon is going to look like heaven.”


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VIDEO ADVENTURES IN EAST COUNTY: DISCOVERING THE LOST CITY OF EL CAPITAN

 

By Billy Ortiz
 

April 1, 2011 (Lakeside) – Back on December 27, ECM reported on my fall during a rockslide on El Capitan Mountain in Lakeside, when a 500-pound boulder dislodged and rolled over my leg. Thankfully I’ve recovered.

 

What hasn’t been reported until now, however, is the amazing discovery that resulted. I recently returned and found a hidden tunnel revealed behind that boulder, leading deep within the mountain. Inside, I discovered a vast underground lake. Even more astoundingly, after exploring it via kayak, I found the ruins of an entire lost civilization!


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PAY FOR PLAY: ACCESS TO LAKE MURRAY WILL NO LONGER BE FREE

 

By Nancy Clement, La Mesa writer and Lake Murray Aficionado

 

April 1, 2011 (La Mesa) - Barbara (Cleves) Anderson, the honorary Mayor of Lake Murray, just announced that she met with the San Diego City Council--and big changes will be happening at Lake Murray beginning June 1st. Water skiing will be allowed at the west side of the lake near the ball fields and second, there will a fee charged for being at the lake.

These recommendations were based on a feasibility study conducted by SCAMDAG.


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RUNNING IN GRANDFATHER’S SHADOW

 

Jamul Soccer Player Destined for Greatness

 

Story and photo by Ron Logan

 

April 1, 2011 (Jamul) – If you were a die-hard indoor soccer fan in the early 1990s you may remember the name Herb Duryea. His story was quite an amazing one and it created quite a buzz back in the day. 

 

 Now, his legend lives on--at an ostrich farm in Jamul.


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WILL POWER REPORT: OBAMA ORDERS MASSIVE FINANCIAL RESTRUCTURING

 

Nothing but the truth!

 

By Will Power

 

April 1, 2011 (Washington D.C.) -- In an unprecedented turnabout, President Barack Obama announced he is confiscating the excess profits of banks and brokers who profited from the recent Wall Street Crash. All the bonuses paid out will be seized and used to pay down the national debt.

 

Even more important, President Obama ordered oil companies and pharmaceutical companies to lower their prices by 25% , or face nationalization. The third important change was a halt to all home foreclosures, Homes which are in danger of foreclosure are ordered into arbitration and refinancing.


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NEWFLASH! MAJOR BREAKING STORIES—SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR ALL READERS

 

April 1, 2010—East County Magazine had the exclusive scoop on some astounding major stories breaking today.

 

Is truth stranger than fiction? You decide. Be sure to click this hot link to view these stories and oodles more in our extra-special April 1st edition. (Trust us, you won't want to miss this!)


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SANTEE DANGLES BAIT, LURES CHARGERS TO EAST COUNTY

 

By E.Z. Pickens
 

April 1, 2010 (Santee) – The San Diego Chargers have received an offer from the City of Santee to construct a new Chargers stadium in the East County community.
 

“This will be a win-win for the Chargers and East County,” said Santee Mayor Randy Voepel, wearing a sporty bolts blazer. With the upcoming completion of Highway 52, Santee will be easily accessible from all parts of San Diego. Having an NFL team in Santee will not only be good for Charger fans, but will also boost revenues for our city.”


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BLACK WATER RETURNS TO POTRERO

 

By Dinah Saur

April 1, 2010 (Potrero) – Two years after Blackwater USA withdrew its proposal to build a private military base in Round Potrero Valley, the property owner welcomes a new version of black water on the site.


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SDSU TO ELIMINATE CALIFORNIA STUDENTS

By Skip Tover Grad

April 1, 2010 (San Diego) – After realizing significant savings by eliminating local student admission guarantees, San Diego State University (SDSU) President Stephen Weber has announced a bold new initiative to save taxpayers even more money.
 

“We have decided to eliminate California students altogether,” Weber said. “With the budget crisis, we regret that we just can’t afford to provide an education for kids in our own community or home state."


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PADRES SIGN CHULA VISTA SLUGGING AND PITCHING STAR

 

By Ima Fann

April 1, 2010 (San Diego) – The San Diego Padres today announced that they have signed Luke Ramirez, 13, ace pitcher and batting champion from the Park View Little League World Series winning team in Chula Vista.
 

The move is expected to boost attendance for the Padres, given the enormous popularity of the Chula Vista world champs, while also adding some muscle to the lineup and the pitcher’s mound.


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